How [NOT] to Survive the Winter Weather

As the snow clouds gather and we batten down the hatches (we can only think of  the cake in terms of other things which can be battened), My Dad Rocks presents the definitive ways  to survive the treacherous weather, or not as the case may be.

1. Don’t defrost your car windscreen with boiling water. Or, according to seemingly everyone on YouTube, always, without exception, defrost your windscreen with boiling water. We’d err on the side of caution and test it out on a car you don’t own first, just to make sure.

2. Attempting to melt ice and snow with the salt pot off the dinner table is likely to make you look foolish. Ensure entire sackfuls of scattered on even tiny amounts to prove your worth against the elements…rather like using an entire can of fly spray on one bluebottle – it’s expensive but somehow exactly the right thing to do. Also, remember you’re trying to melt the ice, not season it – do not be tempted to introduce pepper, coriander etc into the equation.

3. Winter tyres can be of use to combat slippery roads, however this will require you being skilled enough to remove and fit them. Also, don’t go overboard.

4. Garments such as hats, gloves and scarves are sensible attire but must be fit for purpose

5. Don’t waste money on expensive central heating – leave your oven on full-blast overnight with the door open.

6. Bedtime etiquette is essential at the coldest times of year. Ensure your feet are tightly wrapped in tin foil and all available pets [not fish] and ornaments are utilised to pin down the corners of the duvet (when you’re already in bed – it gets complicated otherwise) 

7. One of the easiest ways to catch a cold in the wintery months is to venture out having not acclimatised properly in advance. Bags of frozen veg are ideal for tucking under each armpit to ready yourself for the temperatures outside.

8. Warm drinks are a good way of keeping your spirits up whether inside the house or out. Tired of tea and coffee and run out of bovril? Hot water is an excellent substitute.

9. Electronic hand-warmers are an excellent way of keeping frostbite at bay but if you aren’t fortunate enough to have received one as a Christmas gift, a lightly microwaved hotdog will suffice, or, if you own one or two, a budgie in each hand [note: budgies do not require microwaving to emit warmth] 

10. To avoid slipping on ice and making a complete buffoon of yourself, properly engineered crampons are a must for both putting the bins out or trekking to find civilisation. Please remember to remove crampons before returning to your front room as they make a right mess of the kitchen lino.